The Donald’s Anti-Doom Ray: Part 1 – The Devil You Didn’t Know

DISCLAIMER:  The following is satire.  If any of these events involving the characters contain even a grain of truth, it is purely coincidental and unintended.  And may God have mercy on us all.

It turned out that the Mayan calendar was off by four years, for it wasn’t 2012 that was the beginning of the end of time, but 2016. There was no cosmic event, however, nor any geological catastrophe.

The harbinger of the end times was the American presidential election.

To no one’s surprise at the time, Hillary Rodham Clinton won in a landslide, thus fulfilling her ambition to be the first female President of the United States. As she reveled in her victory as if she had fulfilled a Biblical prophecy, the rest of the world responded with a collective shrug. Even the nameless Pakistinian-in-the-street was quoted, “And they think we’re still living in the last century?”

Clinton’s primary primary rival had repeatedly questioned whether she had made a figurative “deal with the devil” because of her strong ties to big money corporations and Wall Street. When a dashingly dressed couple arrived at the inaugural ball – he sporting horns, she with a forked tongue – the public began wondering if the deal were perhaps more literal.

Soon, demons began showing up in shopping malls. Vampires no longer seemed as romantic when they appeared not in Twilight, but rather in the dark of night to feed. A werewolf was spotted drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s – his hair was perfect – but since the deal did not extend to the United Kingdom, he was immediately apprehended to be deported, and found himself in immigration purgatory when no nation would take a werewolf who claimed as his origin “the fiery pits of Hell.”

A lot of people were actually disappointed that there were no zombies. All of the lessons learned from television and movies were worthless.

The athiests denied any of it was happening. This made them easy prey, and led to YouTube trend of videos showing athiests being consumed by Hellspawn in front of their screaming, crying children, all the while telling them, “It’s all right, sweetie, there are no demons, this is just a cultural construct imagined by ignorant people who want to deny science!”

In an attempt to bring an end to the demonic possession of America, President Clinton sued the Devil to nullify the contract; President Clinton claimed that because she ended up running against Donald Trump, the Devil’s services were not needed, and their value was surely not adequate consideration for her own soul and that of the nation. The Devil countered that while Senator Sanders put up a good fight, President Clinton faced an abnormally smooth field in the primaries; furthermore, the Court would undermine the integrity of every bargain ever reached should it excuse the President from what she, in hindsight, regarded as a bad deal.

It was rumored that Justice Alito and Chief Justice Roberts actually engaged in a fist fight to determine which of them would write the 8-0 lead opinion ruling against the President.

The politics also backfired on President Clinton, which shouldn’t have surprised her if she’s paid more attention to the fine print of her contract with the Devil – Satan naturally would prefer to be associated with any kind of fire, “back” or not. She took a prudent approach and pushed a federal minimum wage increase to $10 per hour; within three months of implementation, corporations moved 75,000 jobs overseas. While manufacturers used the minimum wage hike to justify moving the jobs in order to keep costs down, they also used it to justify raising prices on most consumer goods. By early 2018, President Clinton’s approval ratings were in the single digits, leading Senator Ted Cruz to propose a Constitutional amendment to allow the recall of a President.

As the country literally went to Hell, Donald Trump – defeated but never humbled – remained uncharacteristically quiet in the media, and focused on expanding his business empire, his media empire, and settling his own court disputes. In 2017 – as a steady stream of succubi were frequenting the White House, especially when the President would travel internationally without the First Husband – Donald and Melania Trump were actually seen attending church together. “Jesus is just alright,” Trump said afterward. “I’m going to build a church, a Temple to God. It’s going to be the most magnificent, luxurious church in the world. The Pope is going to want to use it, it’s going to be that beautiful.”

Two years later, the Pope did lead an interfaith service – broadcast worldwide – dedicating the Trump Temple.

While Trump’s popularity was as high as Clinton’s was low, as 2019 came to an end, he still declined to enter the race. He claimed a “higher calling,” and stated that whoever won the Republican nomination couldn’t do worse than Hillary. Ted Cruz quickly did the news show circuit, grinning and rubbing his hands, thanking Trump for his not-quite-endorsement, as Cruz led the crowded, 31 candidate primary field with a 17% support rate. Cruz suggested that all candidates sign a pledge that they would not sign any contract with the Devil to win the election; his poll numbers surged 2%, pushing Carly Fiorina out of the race – until Cruz named her his running mate prior to the first contest.

But just as happened in 2016, the people started going to the polls. The public wasn’t satisfied with “couldn’t do worse” – they wanted to make America great again.

Despite not being a candidate, Trump won the 2020 Iowa Republican caucus with 43% support. More surprisingly, while no one dared oppose President Clinton in the Democratic race, Trump won 29% support. When the race moved to New Hampshire, Trump gathered over 60% of the vote in both parties by write-in.

A movement was born. While he was still not running, Trump continued to win the write-in vote in state after state. By the end of March, only Cruz and John Kasich remained in the race, hoping to win a contested convention since Trump had yet to declare his candidacy. By the end of April, Trump had won enough delegates to secure the nomination for both parties; Clinton dropped out of the race after her attempt to add additional superdelegates supporting her failed.

Donald Trump finally launched his Presidential campaign in May 2020:

Trump for President: Hindsight is 2020!

Running unopposed, it was not a campaign as much as it was a victory tour. His appeal wasn’t necessarily universal: in any major European newspaper, there would be at least one editorial per week decrying the lunacy of the American electorate; Mexico pre-emptively started building a wall – self-financed – between the United States and Mexico to keep the Americans out. ISIS, however, which had grown in power during the Clinton presidency, vowed to lay down their weapons when Trump became president out of respect for his strength; Kim Jong Un announced a “special relationship” between North Korea and the United States after playing golf with the presumptive president and offering to allow three Trump golf courses in his country.

While there was no drama in the process, Americans voted in record numbers on November 3, 2020; most said they wanted to be a part of something that was bigger than themselves. Ted Cruz wrote-in his own name for President, and told the press he was exploring avenues to victory through the Electoral College; after this, there was an unspoken agreement among the press to stop covering Cruz.

The streets of Washington, D.C., were filled on January 20, 2021, with people just wanting to be near the event. The world tuned in to hear President Trump’s first words as leader of the free world in his inauguration speech:

“My fellow Americans – I always wanted to say that. It sounds so presidential. There were people who thought I couldn’t be presidential, but now I’m the president. In fact, I’m the first person ever to be nominated for president by both parties, you can fact-check that, it’s true. I know there’s some drinking games out there, where you drink if I say something that doesn’t ‘fact-check,’ so sometimes I’ll just throw something out there even though I know it’s not, you know, accurate. But that is a fact, I’m the first. That gives me a mandate.

“I know, not everyone’s excited about it. I heard, just a moment ago, that Mexico declared war on America as soon as I was sworn in. Mexico. Oooooh, I’m scared now. See, that’s what happens when you’re great – they want to challenge you, they want to take you down. But they don’t want to start a fight they can’t win. And hear me, they won’t win. They don’t have a chance.

“And I’ve already talked to border patrol. Can you believe this? There’s a rush at the Canadian border of people wanting to come to the United States. That’s good – just as long as they don’t bring any of their ideas about socialized health care with them.

“My fellow Americans, together we will make America great again. We should have started this four years ago, would have been smarter, but now we’re doing it. I have big plans – and I have the hands to carry them out.

“Sometimes I stay awake at night, dreaming about how great America can be. And those nights, I look in the sky, and what do you suppose I see? Yep – right there, in the night sky, the moon. It’s up there. And it’s beautiful. And you know what I decided? We’re going back to the moon.

“We’re not just going back to the moon. It’s an opportunity – but we can’t let it be a threat. We’re going to the moon, and it’s going to be an American moon. Not a Russian moon, not a Chinese moon, not a German moon, not even an English moon. It’s going to be American, and it’s going to be beautiful. We’re going to put jobs on the moon. We won’t need a wall, because we’ll control everything coming in or out. And do you think those Muslim terrorists will threaten us when they know America is looking down on them every night? No way. This is about protecting Americans, and making us all safer. The whole world will be safer, thanks to us.

“I look out at you today, and I know that America is already great again, because you, the American people, have chosen to be great again. But tonight, I’ll look up at the moon, and I’ll see America’s future. Together, we will get back to the moon.”

As President Trump stepped back from the microphone and raised his arms over the crowd, he felt the wave of adulation. America would be going to the moon – and President Trump would be leading the way.

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